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Pastor Richard "Buddy" Wimberly "The Husband's Biblical Role In Marriage" Ephesians 5:21-33

Ephesians 5:21-33, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see she reverence her husband.”
Maybe you have just about given up on your marriage. You do not understand why you cannot change your life or your spouse will not change theirs.
This is applicable to Christian’s lives and homes. God has the answer for you in His Word. Many times Christian husbands are told, “Be the leader God wants you to be!” A sincere man goes forward in a service and prays for God to make Him that leader, but nothing changes. The husband lives in defeat and discouragement and asks, “Where is God, why does He not help me?” Simple answer, God has already told you from His Word how to be the leader He wants you to be. Most Christians think that if they ask God to forgive them for a sin then that sin should go away. The reality is it won’t unless you use God’s Word to renew your mind and change your thinking to God’s thinking about the matter. True Biblical change comes when a person changes their thinking to God’s thinking from God’s Word. The Bible calls it “renewing your mind”, Eph 4:22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
Eph 4:23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
Eph 4:24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.. When you change your thinking to God’s thinking then your behavior changes. It does not change until then.
Most Christian men would like to be the leader God wants them to be, but they do not know how. They do not know how to Biblically change their life and therefore, their home suffers greatly because of it.
Let me give you three points that the Bible says is the “Husband’s Role in Marriage.” The Husband’s Biblical Role in Marriage is he is to be a: 1. Learner 2. Lover 3. Leader.
Did you know that being a learner of your wife is a command for the husband in the Bible? I Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them (wives) according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” Did you notice “according to knowledge?” It means to learn about her, knowledge about her. The world says we cannot understand our wives and children. The Bible tells us we are commanded to know them.
Getting to know someone takes time. How much do you know about your wife? I mean really know. Learning someone means I need to study them.
Failing to learn her affects your spiritual life! Did you notice in I Peter 3:7, “That your prayers be not hindered.” A fundamental failure of the Christian home is the husband not learning his wife. It is a simple but deadly flaw.
2. Lover-Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Gentleman, you will never be a proper lover until you learn the needs of your wife. Love is not a feeling. In our culture we believe love is lust and sex. What is the Biblical view of love? John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son that whosever beleiveth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
God’s view of love is giving in order to meet the needs of another person. The Christian home and marriage today is filled with pride, arrogance, anger, self will, demanding, and the all about me philosophy. How am I to love my wife and to what degree am I to love her? 
1.I am to love her first. I John 4:19,
2.I am to love her the most. Ephesians 5:25,
3.I am to love her sacrificially. Ephesians 5:25,
4.I am to love her in ways that cannot be unmistakably interpreted. I John 3:18,
5.I am to love her in spite of her faults. Romans 5:8,
6.I am to love her as my own body. Ephesians 5:28-29,
7.I am to love her without bitterness. Colossians 3:19,
Husbands, I will never be the lover I should be unless I make an effort to learn her and nurture her. 
3. Leader-Matthew Chapter 20
The lack of Godly leadership and spirituality in the home is contributing greatly to the breakdown of the Christian home. Men sometimes think that leadership is being a dictator. Seek to apply the theme of servant hood to your leadership of your home. Someone has said, “The test of your servant hood is how you respond when you are treated like one.”
You will either be a selfish leader or a servant leader. The servant leader does the following:
· He focuses on her needs. Ephesians 5:25, Philippians 2:20-21, Ephesians 6:4.
· He seeks to help others in the home be Christ like oriented. Ephesians 5:26-28, 6;4
· He sets the example of self control in the home. Philippians 4:9, Jeremiah 35:5-6
· He likes to solve problems and solves them Biblically. Ephesians 4:29-32
· He wants to be and works at being a teacher. I Timothy 2:11-12, I Timothy 3:4, 5, 12
· He lives with his wife joyfully. Proverbs 5:18
· He provides spiritual leadership. Ephesians 5: 25-33
Men, have you ever given consideration as to how you could or should show love to your wife? Let me give you some thoughts on this. Make her first place in your life and show it. She should be second only to your relationship to Jesus Christ. If she is not first place, she will doubt your love and become insecure.
How do you find out your wife’s place in your life? Answer the following questions. What means more to you?
1. Your wife or your children?
2. Talking with your wife or having sex with her?
3. Your wants or her needs?
4. Praying with your wife or praying with others?
5. Helping other people or helping your wife?
6. Your work or your family?
7. Church activities or family needs?
She knows when she is not cherished, nor uppermost in your affections. She also knows what you delight in more than her. The husband must understand God wants him to express his love for his wife by meeting her needs, I Peter 3:7.
Guys acknowledge and recognize her attempts to please you. Her attention to immediate details and her desire to express love to you may often motivate her to do little things for you. She needs your admiration and praise. Do not disregard, laugh at, or belittle what she does for you. Be very careful to watch for her attempts to please and then express appreciation.
One of the things I find is that men unfavorably compare their wife with other women. Don’t unfavorably compare her with other women. Do not point out some ability she lacks or some appearance you prefer. In her eyes, that person pleases you more than she does.
Be the spiritual leader in your home. She longs for this. If you do not provide it or show disinterest in it, she is unable to place her full confidence in you. She may seek leadership from others. Make sure you have a personal time with the Lord. Make sure your wife and children are having a personal time with the Lord. Solve family problems Biblically. Find out from God’s Word what he says about the problem you are experiencing. Then change your thinking to God’s thinking on the matter. Work at sharing new spiritual insights with her that you learn from God’s Word.
Be consistent with her discipline of children. Don’t take sides against her. Don’t defend the children. This causes her to doubt your loyalty to her. She may think you are trying to turn the children against her. Learn to settle differences away from your children. If you differ with what she is doing with the children discuss it with her privately.
Speak to her in a gentle spirit. Be a gentleman and do not use harsh words. Ephesians 4:29-32. Always look for ways to communicate to her in gentleness with tact not in anger. Ungodly anger is the destroying sin of the Christian home. Be controlled by the Holy Spirit, Ephesians 5:18. There is never a place for ungodly anger in the Christian home. Ephesians 4: 31, “Let all….wrath, and anger….be put away from you.” There is no place in the Christian marriage for cussing, yelling, hitting, and screaming. Put away from you an angry spirit as well. Many men and woman speak to each other in impatient tones. This is an angry spirit. Praise her for more than her cooking and physical involvement. Praise her for qualities of character she possesses. This is not done simply, it requires thought and planning. Learn to praise your wife and work at finding things to praise.
Show creative affection to your wife. This would be outside the realm of sex. Affection without sex includes good manners, be courteous. Build security with her. Knowing she has a permanent place in your heart and affection is important to her. Be careful never to show attention to another woman in such a way as to disillusion her. Delight in fulfilling her wishes. She has little things for you to do. Little means no imposition of your time. This gives you a chance to reassure her of your love by enjoying and doing things for her and meeting her needs. Don’t give her the idea her suggestions and ideas are not good and yours are better. Do things in the idea that I am doing this for you. Or we are doing this together. Seek to be friends, work at it. Show respect and kindness to each other. Love is kind, I Corinthians 13:4.
I want to encourage you as a husband to learn your wife. This will take a little work, but will be a tremendous benefit to your marriage and home. Remember you are commanded to learn her, love her and lead her.